I’m a bookworm and a film junkie. If you combine the two, you get a surplus of books on niche films. This is incredibly handy when you’re as indecisive as I – whenever I don’t know what to watch, I simply flip open a page from a film-related book and go from there. Destroy All Movies: The Complete Guide to Punks on Film has remained one of my prized possessions since I found it at this little hole-in-the-wall bookshop in my crummy hometown. Y’all know how much I love heavy metal horror, but movie punks are a close second in swooping up all my affections. Not long ago, I happened to open the page on a forget gem (yes, it is a gem!) – the little seen Linda Blair flick, Grotesque (1988).

Prepare to pour of a shot of your favourite liquor, ’cause a bitch about to mention the Manson Family for the upteenth time. Perhaps it is from my overexposure to one of the most infamous crimes of all time, but I can’t help but to notice the similarities between what occurred in August of 1969 and the crimes that occur in Grotesque. As you might’ve guessed, Grotesque is a home invasion horror in which a gang of literal punks invade the home of a horror movie special effects artist. This is similar to the Manson case for obvious reasons – a gaggle of counterculture freaks creepy crawl into a home in the midnight hour, intending to slay everyone in sight. Shit is rough and hard to watch, fortunately Grotesque is full of campy schlock to soften the blow.

Despite undoubtedly having it’s imperfections, there is so much to love about Grotesque. The fact that the head of the family, Orville Kruger (Guy Stockwell), is a special effects artist for horror flicks allows for a hell of a lot of fun to be had. The house is rigged with multiple faux scares, and monster masks are the norm for decor. That being said, a couple of the murderous punks decide to fornicate in Kruger’s workshop. As the lady punk straddles her man, she sports the iconic skull mask from Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982). I know, I know – what film hasn’t thrown in our beloved Silver Shamrock masks at this point?! Y’all gotta remember that this shit came out well before it became a commonality in horror. Bravo, Grotesque! And bravo for including mask kinks! Y’all out here doing God’s work, lemme tell ya.

If your interest is piqued already (and it should be!), wait ’til ya get a load of what’s in store – there is a twist, y’all! The hunters become the hunted. Turns out the big secret that had drawn them to the property wasn’t really cash or jewelry – it was a horribly disfigured monster living behind one of those ooky-spooky hidden bookshelf doors that seemingly no longer exist today. The monster discovers the punks have killed off his family, and he is fucking pissed, y’all. He goes on a full fledged murderous rampage, and a bitch loves to see it.

Man, there is so much shit going on I completely forgot to go off about Linda Blair is in this flick! Starring as Lisa Kruger, Orville’s daughter, she manages to get away in the midst of all the chaos. Unfortunately the homstead is situated on a big ass mountain, and her shitty luck only gets worse when a blizzard decides to strike as she barrells through the forest away from the madmen.

I gotta be predictable and admit that the punks are my favourite part of this flick, but man… Tab Hunter appears in the third act, too. I’m a diehard John Waters fan, so seeing Tab appear as good ol’ Uncle Rod made me scream like Ned Flanders in that one episode when everyone thought he killed Maude. Furthermore, Uncle Rod is connected to the final twist of the film. I’ve heard folks cite the ending of Grotesque as the worst twist ending of all time, and like… maybe?? But not really??? M. Night Shyamalan exists??? Also, this is a punk flick from ’88, so why do you care so much???

If y’all wanna dip before spoiler territory, I highly suggest you cease reading now because I’m about to go all out, baby! Basically, we find out Rod’s son was the disfigured monster the cops ended up deciding to shoot instead of the killer punks. Rod then straps on his vigilante boots, rents out some equipment – did I mention he is a plastic surgeon? Anyways, he reveals that he, too, is horribly disfigured and that it was his recently deceased brother that made him a beautiful face outta latex because “society can’t handle ugly”. Sad but true, y’all! That isn’t where the fun ends, however. Rather than killing the two surviving shitbirds, he takes it upon himself to disfigure ’em. I think he swaps their mouths for their assholes, but that could just be wishful thinking. Anyways, yeah! End of flick. Just kidding, the film snaps, it was all a movie. Everyone is safe, but for some reason Frankenstein and the Wolfman show up??

Yeah, I don’t know man. All I know is that if you’re a “credible” film critic and you’ve spent time riffing on why this movie sucks, then y’all deserve to have your time wasted. This movie is fun, as it is intended to be! Yeah, it is bonkers, but that is exactly why b-movie sluts like me exist! The more bonkers the better, and hey – this is still leaps and bounds ahead of Hard Rock Zombies (1985), so like… chill, okay?