Die Hard is a Christmas movie – The man who wrote it declared it as such in 2017, so after nearly three decades the ever-so popular argument has finally been laid to rest. Regardless of what your stance may have been, I’m sure we can all agree on one thing – Die Hard kicks complete and total ass. I’m mostly stoked we don’t have to whine about it annually anymore, but a part of me kinda misses it, too. It was a sort of communal thing; It brought us together, engaged in heated discussions about something so rad. I’ve decided to take it upon myself to touch on handful of Christmas adjacent films like Die Hard, so we can start bickering again. Bring back the joy of the season, y’know?

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

I never know how to explain the plot of this one to folks that haven’t seen it, because it is such a mind warp that I’m still analyzing it myself. A friend of mine told me he understood it was ‘Something about Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise attending a weird orgy’, and I mean… Not far off, I guess? Silly shit aside, this is my favourite Stanley Kubrick film. It is an erotic thriller that surrounds the questionable existence of secret societies, and it is creepy as all hell. I’m still wondering why Tom Cruise didn’t duck the hell out of that party when he saw all the weird ass ritualistic shit being carried out by a mass of folks in masquerade masks. It ain’t rocket science, man. But yeah, this baby is a total Christmas movie. You’d be hard-pressed to find a single scene that isn’t adorned by glimmering holiday decor, providing an interesting juxtaposition between a typically joyous season and an extremely disturbing, suspenseful succession of events.

Batman Returns (1992)

Tim Burton must really dig Christmas or something. Truth be told, I’m not the biggest superhero fan out there, but this flick always stuck out to me as a kid. Probably because Danny DeVito as the Penguin is truly terrifying, and Michelle Pfeiffer is a goddess in my eyes solely because of Grease 2. Plus, this story is all about the abuse of power and how corrupt politicians can be. I also cannot get over the metamorphosis of Pfeiffer’s character – You’ve got a subservient assistant holed up in a pink apartment surrounded by cats turn into some unreal powerful dominatrix queen. There is just so much to love aesthetically here, plus it all takes place during the Christmas season in Gotham City. One of Burton’s best, if ya ask me.

Lethal Weapon (1987)

This is the wrong movie to fall for Mel Gibson, but that is exactly what happened for me. You’ve got Gibson, an unhinged borderline suicidal cop with nothing to lose, paired up with Danny Glover, a family man that has been on the force for many moons. Together, they’re hunting down some nasty drug smugglers, and this baby gets violent. Though unnervingly chaotic in its deeply violent nature, a central theme in all of this is the importance of family, and how we are fully capable of choosing our own. This tale takes place during the holiday season, and we as an audience get to witness the metamorphosis of Gibson’s character after being exposed to the warmness of Glover’s family. Undeniably heartwarming, even after watching two dudes beat the everliving shit out of each other for a prolonged period of time. Seriously one of the best movies out there as far as I’m concerned, and likely Die Hard‘s largest competition in terms of Christmas adjacent action films.

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

What screams Christmas more than Chuck Norris fighting a bunch of communists? Not a damn thing. As a lover of tasteful trash, I can’t help but adore nearly ever title Cannon Films have put out, but this is likely my favourite. The thing I love about Norris as opposed to every other action star out there is that there is no real struggle when it comes to ass-kicking – He just can’t be touched. What you’ve got here is basically 107 minutes of Norris against Russian terrorists, and forgive a minor spoiler, but he totally drives a big ass truck through a mall decked out in Christmas decor in the middle of a shootout. Bless this movie, and bless Chuck Norris.

Cobra (1986)

Someone on Twitter had the best description I’ve seen about this flick – It is essentially the kind of action movie you’d see the folks in The Simpsons watching. While I totally hate the word ‘cheesy’ as a descriptor, this movie kinda really is. Sylvester Stallone stars as Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti, and he is one of those dudes that your average Joe cops call upon when shit gets serious. A bonafide badass, he’s got a Cobra airbrushed on the handle of his gun (of course he does), and he essentially speaks in one-liners the entire time. When he isn’t hunting down a gang of ruthless serial killers that are seemingly stalking Amazonian super-babe Brigitte Nielsen, he is cutting pizza with scissors. Why, you ask? Who the fuck knows, but I support it. Like many of the aforementioned films here, the set is decked out in Christmas decorations, and a shitload of Pepsi merchandise. Seriously, there is such an obnoxious amount of product placement here it reads like a really long advertisement. If anyone knows what that is about, please tell me. I gots-ta know!

Fubar: Balls to the Wall (2010)

For those of y’all unfamiliar with the world of Fubar, let me give you a brief summary. Fubar is a buddy headbanger flick straight outta Alberta, Canada that was released in 2002. I’m not sure if it has reached cult status on a wider scale, but it is a pretty big deal to longhaired Canucks like myself. I’ve always dug these movies a little more than shit like Wayne’s World because I relate to it on a deeper level. Terry (David Lawrence) and Deaner (Paul Spence) are literally beer drinkin’, AC/DC worshippin’ headbangers from Alberta, which is essentially me in a nutshell. Fubar: Balls to the Wall is the uproarious sequel that follows the duo as they get shitty rig jobs in efforts to make ends meet for their respective families. Some of the holiday elements contained herein involve burglary of hockey pads and a strange new telling of a Santa Clause-like figure named Shanto, and it is just so much fun. So, if y’all want a taste of what Albertan culture is really like, try this on for size!