As is always the case on the internet, I recently expressed my love for Todd Solondz’s independent dark comedy, Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995) and was met with criticism given the film’s incredibly bleak, unrelenting atmosphere. How could this film be a source of comfort given its uncomfortable nature? Despite my annoyance, this allowed me to ponder the question and explore the feelings I’ve held for this film over the last decade.

Welcome to the Dollhouse follows Dawn Wiener (Heather Matarazzo) as she navigates the vast hell-scape that is the seventh grade, with zero respite after hours in her toxic, abusive household. A nerdy middle child, she is often neglected and ignored by her parents in favour of her younger, more conventionally beautiful little sister and her older, academic brother. Bullying and torment seem to follow Dawn wherever she goes, a frequent fact of life that she somehow manages to handle with a pathetic amount of tolerance and acceptance. She very seldom sticks up for herself, and in the one rare instance that she did, she was verbally scolded by her abhorrent mother – “When did we ever teach you to fight back?”

Willingly subordinate to the point of self-sabotage, I was Dawn Wiener when I was her age. I was an absolute weirdo, and I was targeted for it. As is the case with Welcome to the Dollhouse, I was never graced with respite while attending grade school. I accepted it, and I held out for hope that one day things would get better once I was granted the distance and freedom that only comes with time. I think this is the biggest reason why I’ve always adored Welcome to the Dollhouse – it is a coming-of-age film for outcasts. It doesn’t sugar coat reality in the least, and it manages to tap into such a specific whirlwind that is only relatable for those that experienced such high levels of poor treatment.

One might wonder how this could be considered cathartic rather than triggering, and though I can only speak for myself, I believe it to be because film in general is a condensed medium that always ends. Sure, we don’t get to see a fully emotionally developed Dawn by the film’s conclusion; We aren’t left knowing that she had a happy ending. I personally would like to believe that she grows as an individual, heals from her trauma, and flourishes because of it. That was my story, and I have always felt it was hers, too.

There is a moment at the end of the film where it seems as though Dawn reaches a state of acceptance – she understands that she will never be the apple of her parents’ eye, and that there are certain things she must do in order to survive until adulthood. This likely all sounds terrible, and it is, however it is a reality experienced by several budding weirdos all across the globe. Yeah, it isn’t sunshine and rainbows, but that simply isn’t how life works. Todd Solondz managed to paint an abysmal picture glimpsing behind the scenes of seemingly idyllic, suburban family living. It takes the piss out of the family model, much in the same way notorious trash filmmaker, John Waters, made a career out of.

I fully understand that Welcome to the Dollhouse isn’t for everyone. I understand some folks don’t find humour in a little girl spewing obscenities, including “I don’t mean to be a cunt”, because it feels unnatural. It is borderline shocking, especially if you’ve never experienced such a thing before. One of those cases where it is just so wrong, it’s right.

I went to public school, and I was called a cunt by boys just like Dawn. It is extremely difficult for me to separate who I was at that age with who I’m graced with on screen. The similarities are far too strong, and that is why I adore this film so much. We’re constantly fed a narrative that grade school is the best time of our lives, and I vividly recall being horrified by this as an adolescent. School was hell for me and every other lifelong weirdo I know, and I’m so thankful there are movies out there that don’t shy away from such harsh realities.

I find comfort in knowing I, too, was once a “Wiener-dog” – but I grew up and put that all behind me. I’ve never been the girl that held onto meaningless friendships solely because of the town I happened to grow up in. I didn’t thrive socially throughout school, and the desire to fit in dissipated with each rotation around the sun. I flourished when I found my tribe, my fellow nerds. That sure as shit didn’t happen in high school, and I honestly wouldn’t wish that for myself or any other outcast anyway.