Dolly Parton, affectionately known to me as the wisest woman of all-time, once said “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” – For those of y’all like me, you likely have embraced the fact that you’re trashy – I certainly hope you are, anyway. I’ve never been ashamed of this. I firmly believe that us garbage people have more fun takin’ the piss out of everything, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, you might be wondering what the perfect holiday flick for our kinda folk is, and I’ve got the answer for you – Female Trouble (1974).
Last December, I compiled a list of unconventional Christmas movies simply for fun – I’ve decided to take a similar approach to this year’s festivities, however this time it is out of necessity. 2020 has been anything but ordinary, therefore, in my humble opinion, we mustn’t ring in the holidays in a traditional fashion.
Female Trouble (1974) follows the life of career criminal, Dawn Davenport (Divine), and her descent into villainy after not receiving a pair of black cha-cha heels for Christmas. As any spoiled schoolgirl is apt to do after not being gifted the footwear of their desires, she promptly destroys the remainder of the presents, and attacks her parents with the Christmas tree prior to fleeing the scene.
Typical bad runaway luck leads her to being forcefully impregnated by a skid-mark clad piece of shit named Earl Peterson (Divine, yep – again!) while hitchhiking. Single motherhood then propels the intoxicatingly beautiful Dawn into a life of crime. In efforts to support both herself and daughter Taffy (Mink Stole), Dawn and her clan of femme fatales take up burglarizing. As is the case with any form of criminal activity, the ante is consistently upped – eventually evolving into a malicious homicidal rage within Dawn Davenport.
Shortly after gaining the attention of a couple of beauticians that have made a hobby out of photographing women committing crimes, Dawn is disfigured by a vat of acid being thrown into her face. Though to the casual observer her blistered complexion would be the cause of disgust, the beauticians aren’t swayed in the slightest – this is a John Waters movie, after all! Her gruesome imperfections only amplify her pre-existing beauty, in turn emboldening her persona into some sort of bizarre, freakshow-esque headlining feature.
As far as trash films go, Female Trouble is undoubtedly one of the best. As is always the case with Waters’ work, the aesthetics here are unmatched and the tale itself is surreal. Viewers get to witness the entirety of Dawn’s life, including her demise, leaving little knowledge left to be desired. So many iconic images are to be found herein, whether it be Dawn throwing down the tinsel adorned tree; tormenting Aunt Ida (Edith Massey) in her white iron birdcage; or frying to death in the electric chair.
Being the talent Divine was, it becomes difficult to pinpoint a peak, however I believe Female Trouble to be a top contender. Even beyond Dawn Davenport, every character here is unique, eccentric, and highly quotable. Hell, this movie even got me contemplating the beauty benefits of injecting eyeliner into my bloodstream.
Equal parts beauty and horror, this flick is an incredibly special one. Both an undisputed favourite of John Water devotees, and an excellent starting point for those interested in exploring his filmography. As aforementioned, this year has been one hell of a weird trip – so why not celebrate the holidays with another, fictitious one?