Forgive the pun, but I’ve always been a sucker for vampire films – I can still feel how badly that cheap ass fake blood dried my skin out when I was Dracula for Halloween twenty years ago. I’ve just always thought they were the coolest outta all the traditional movie monsters – They’re sleazy, they stay up all night (party!), and there is just so much variety, y’know? There is a very specific brand of blood-sucker that really gets my blood pumping, though – Dirtbag vampires, baby!

Now, I’m not using the term ‘dirtbag’ in a derogatory sense here. I, myself, am a dirtbag – I wear ripped jeans, I cuss, I’ve likely prematurely damaged my liver thanks to the copious amounts of Miller High Life I’ve consumed in the brief time I’ve occupied this planet. What I’m trying to say is that I just love the shit out of films that embrace that whole sleazy party atmosphere. They’re fun as hell, they’re immoral. Very relatable for folks like me, y’know? If you aren’t picking up what I’m throwing down, I’ll let the films do the talking from here on out.

VAMPIRES (1998)

Directed by John Carpenter
Starring James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, & Sheryl Lee

Hello, you underrated piece of cinematic perfection! I’m gonna say it – This is one of Carpenter’s best films, and that ain’t a statement y’all should be taking lightly. Basically, James Woods leads a team of vampire hunters who are trying to find the master vamp in New Mexico. Why the hell wouldn’t vampires hang in the desert, where the sun is hot and shelter is few/far between?

Anyway, this shit is gory as hell – I’m talking bodies sliced in half and hangin’ together by thin ass threads (or in this case, veins and tendons). Plus, the story is cool. I mean, James Woods is about to bump uglies with a hooker (Sheryl Lee) he just picked up, and surprise! She gets fucking bit (while the master vamp is essentially going down on her, but I digress). Woods and Baldwin then decide to keep her along for the journey – Y’all have seen enough vampire movies by now to know how that is destined go, right?

For real though, this film is gripping as all hell and I cannot believe it has fallen under the radar for so many. I’ve loved James Woods since Videodrome (1983) and he manages to be even better here. Also, how many fucking Baldwin’s are there?!

NEAR DARK (1987)

Directed by Kathryn Bigelow
Starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, & Lance Henriksen (and BILL FUCKIN’ PAXTON, Y’ALL!)

This movie really got shafted ’cause it was released right around the same time as The Lost Boys (1987), but man… I don’t want to say I like it more, because that would be a cardinal sin, but its greatness cannot be understated. An amalgamation of the horror and western genres, Near Dark is the love story that weak-tea bullshit Twilight only wishes it could be.

Long story short, cowboy Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) meets a little blonde haired cutie named Mae (Jenny Wright) and becomes instantly infatuated – Vampires are alluring, y’know? She bites him, he turns, and suddenly he is apart of this close-knit family of trashy blood-suckers. Houston, we have a problem! – Caleb can’t bring himself to kill, which pisses papa Jesse (Lance Henriksen) right the fuck off.

Now, I live for bar fight scenes, and Near Dark boasts one of the best! In one of my all-time favourite horror movie moments, Severen (Bill Paxton), a punky vampire with a real bad attitude, enters a seedy dive-bar and proceeds to beat the ever-living shit out of all the bikers inside. Covered in cherry-red plasma, he boasts “It’s finger lickin’ GOOD!” – Horny levels off the goddamn charts, y’all.

This is just a perfect movie that doesn’t get nearly enough love. If you look past the innate bad-assery that comes along with folks like Lance Henriksen, you’ve got an extremely gripping story chock full of love and emotion. Plus, it is another desert horror flick – Who doesn’t live for that shit?

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)

Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Starring Harvey Keitel, George Clooney, & Juliette Lewis

I was thinking to myself the other day, ‘Man, there should be a vampire version of Showgirls (1995)’ – Then I realized I was a dumb bitch ’cause that shit pretty much already exists, and it is called From Dusk Till Dawn (that dance number is on par with Goddess, you can’t change my mind!) This movie is almost too good to be true, I mean… The lineup is so fucking stacked. I already mentioned three heavy hitters in the cast, but y’all… Quentin Tarantino and Tom Savini both have major roles here, too. Like… Who does that?

In summation, two criminals (Clooney & Tarantino) take an entire family hostage (Keitel, Lewis, Ernest Liu) to smuggle ’em over the Mexican border. If this movie wasn’t over two decades old, y’all would probably go into this shit not even knowing it was a horror movie – After all, Tarantino wrote the fuckin’ thing and the first act is very on brand for him. It feels more like a real tense drama – The most horrifying thing about it is Richard (Tarantino), a creepy-ass sex offender with an affinity for feet (we see you, Quentin, very meta!)

I wonder if we’ll ever get a straight up horror film out of Tarantino? Probably not… Guess I’m just gonna have to keep him drinkin’ whisky off of Salma Hayek’s foot on loop ’til the end of time… Which is just a stroke of genius of Tarantino’s part. As my good pal Jef Overn so eloquently put it, “He basically wrote a scene so he didn’t have to pay for a hooker. And we all had to watch.”

Once again, I digress. Anyway, we’re in the motherfucking desert again – This time in Mexico. The fugitives and family end up at a neon-lit tit bar called The Titty Twister, and shit hits the fan real fast. After an over-the-top seductive dance number by a super-babe lasciviously named Santanico Pandemonium (Hayek), it is revealed that all these bitches (and bikers) are vampires. Like… Mangled, ‘there-is-no-fucking-way-this-thing-was-ever-human’ kind of vampire.

Typical with these kinds of flicks, the third act is gory to beat all hell. We’ve got very creative weapons here, including Savini’s literal gun cock (his name is Sexmachine, so it works). I don’t know man, every single frame of this movie just kicks the shit out of you in the best way.

VAMP (1986)

Directed by Richard Wenk
Starring Chris Makepeace, Sandy Baron, & GRACE MOTHERFUCKIN’ JONES, Y’ALL

So, if From Dusk Till Dawn is the Showgirls of vampire films, that makes this movie Stripped to Kill (1987). This film has so much style, it is fucking ridiculous. Neon lightning is provided in every single colour imaginable, and I am living for it.

Vamp is about a couple of frat boys that decide to head out in the middle of nowhere to pick up a stripper to share with their college friends. Little do they know, the strip club is owned and operated by vampires, including every busty babe in the joint. As aforementioned, this film is stylish as all hell – It literally makes stripping an art, which I dig a whole hell of a lot.

Grace Jones is unreal perfect as Katrina, the strip club’s main attraction and naturally the master vampire. She goes from the gorgeous piece of art she naturally is to some gnarly beast in a matter of seconds. Rad as hell.

If that wasn’t enough, this movie also happens to be funny as fuck. Some great bits of comedy mixed in, including a particularly hilarious moment in the final act that involves flipping the bird. This flick definitely deserves a better score on Rotten Tomatoes, but we all know them folks are clearly lacking in taste. Nothing new there, am I right?

LOST BOYS (1987)

Directed by Joel Schumacher
Starring Jason Patric, Corey Haim, & Dianne West

Gotta save the best for last! I feel like a fool trying to wax poetic on a film so legendary. Y’all know why this shit slaps – Hair metal vampires, duh! But it is just pieced together so perfectly…

You’ve got a couple of brothers and their mama move to Santa Carla (murder capital of the world), and what the hell! Why is everyone in town so damn hot? Oh right, ’cause they’re all vampires. Michael (Jason Patric) ends up falling in with the wrong crowd (I would’ve too, just look at Billy Wirth) and becomes a fanged creature of the night himself – Or as Sam (Corey Haim) would put it, “My own brother, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire!”

I don’t even know where to begin. This is just the ultimate fun-horror. You’ve got a bustling boardwalk… Motorcycles… An extremely buff, oiled-up saxophone man… A couple of pre-teen, comic book obsessed vampire slayers… Almost makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. Pinch me, I must be dreaming!

Also, before we end things can I just give a shoutout to the Santa Cruz boardwalk as a filming location? You’ve got Lost Boys, Killer Klowns from Outerspace (1988), Sudden Impact (1983), Us (2019)… And that is all just off the top of my head! Thank you for your service!