I’ve never seen Braveheart (1995). For years I thought I’d had, and I’d engage in conversations with folks about it, talking about how bonkers the plot was. You see, I’d frequently mistake it for a fantasy flick called DragonHeart (1996) – I don’t remember all the plot points, but basically a dude gets half a dragon heart put into him after sustaining a gnarly chest injury. So yeah, I’d full on be like “hell yeah, Braveheart, that shit was crazy!” then go into a full-fledged rant about dragon hearts. I’d be met with severely confused glances, and I now understand why. What can I say? I’m a dumb bitch.
Y’all might be wondering how this plays into the film I’m going to be chatting with y’all about today, and let me tell you. DragonHeart is obviously bonkers as hell – A lot of the films in the ’90s were. Despite having consumed a hefty amount of ’em, I wasn’t prepared for what awaited me in Tammy and the T-Rex (1994). Full disclaimer: This movie is trash, but it is fucking crazy. I typically don’t write about the whole ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ kinda thing, but this had to be an exception. If I don’t speak up now, my head will explode à la Scanners (1981) and I’ve still got so much to experience in life… Hell, I still need to see Braveheart!
Alright, so… Y’all know the dragon-heart-into-boy idea? Same shit applies here, but it is a boy’s-brain-into-giant-animatronic-dinosaur. Sorry to spoil the plot, but y’all are gonna need this bit of information to understand all the shit I’m about to spew. In brief summation, Tammy (Denise Richards) opts out of dating the local leather clad gang leader, Billy (George Pilgrim), in exchange for clean-cut cutie, Michael (Paul Walker). Billy isn’t impressed, so he and his posse of delinquents decide to dump Michael off in some weird ass safari area that apparently exists in Southern California. He gets murdered by yet another gang, this one being comprised of every big cat in existence. Having not yet banged Tammy, he is understandably pissed, so he takes his newly acquired dinosaur body and goes on a killing spree.
Pre-brain-into-dinosaur-implantation, y’all get to witness Michael and Billy get into a fist fight, if you can call it that. These boys literally grab hold of each others dicks, and squeeze ’em while simultaneously screaming in agony at each other. This is within the first ten minutes, and I’m eating my words at this point. I thought this movie would be a little quirky, but this shit hit a level I hadn’t thought possible.
Following shortly after, we are introduced to the mad scientist, Dr. Wachenstein (Terry Kiser), as he observes his giant animatronic dino’s tiny arms throw a barbell loaded with weights across the room and I’m dead. I’m talking full on Weekend at Bernie’s (1989) level deceased, induced by Bernie himself. I just wanna say that Kiser is an underrated genre staple – Like, we praise Donald Pleasance all day long for his role as Dr. Loomis, man… Kiser was a mad scientist in this, AND an abusive therapist in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988). Somebody give this man a damn medal!
I’m branching off in a million directions here, but truthfully I was just overwhelmed by the cast. It is star-studded as all hell, and I kept losing my shit – Especially upon realizing that one of Billy’s gang members is none other than Shevonne Durkin, the babe from Leprechaun 2 (1992). Am I the only bitch on the planet that cares about this? Probably, but I digress!
Despite the ridiculously dumb content (insert clip of those little dinosaur arms hitting the change return on a payphone), I was taken aback by the gore. Prior to initial release, the fat was trimmed to target a younger audience. The saints over at Vinegar Syndrome decided to release the restored version, which is the blood-soaked Blu-ray/Shudder release currently making its rounds. Once y’all see how over the top this shit is, I’m sure it’ll tickle you that this movie was initially consumed by kids. Like… Rubber dinosaur feet crushing folks, causing literal blood geysers to spray from their various orifices… So many decapitations I’ve lost count… Y’know, folks praise the whole ‘less-is-more’ approach when it comes to what you see in horror, and I say fuck that! Y’all need to watch Tammy and the T-Rex and take notes!
This all probably sounds ridiculous as hell – I mean, it is. The only reason it exists is because writer/director Stewart Raffill had access to an animatronic dinosaur. Who the fuck looks at that opportunity and thinks ‘DINOSAUR FIRST, SCRIPT LATER’? People with silly brains like mine, and it is just so fucking fun. Legitimately felt like an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? intended for my adult self, in turn providing a strange sense of nostalgia I hadn’t been expecting.