It doesn’t happen often, but every once in awhile I find a film that makes me go “what in the actual fuck did I just watch?!” – Hard Rock Zombies (1985) is one such film. It is no secret that I’m a huge fan of heavy metal horror flicks, so naturally this has been on my ‘to-watch’ list for many moons. I was extra antsy to see it given how many folks have recently praised it for being an underrated gem, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity when it came into the video store earlier this week. I’ll come out and say it so y’all aren’t getting your hopes up – I did not like this film, and I don’t think it deserves to be heralded as heavy metal horror’s best kept secret. It is absolute dog shit, but definitely worth a single viewing. Y’all gotta see this shit to believe it, trust me!

I am not even close to being above worshipping garbage. I’ve made my friends watch terribly schlocky films like Spookies (1986) and Hobgoblins (1988) without a single pinch of remorse. That being said, Hard Rock Zombies was far too chaotic and messy, even for a trashy bitch like me. Forgive me while I attempt to summate the plot, as there is a psychotic amount of shit going on here. Hard Rock Zombies seems to be about a touring rock band playing a gig in some small, middle-of-nowhere town. The vocalist, Jessie (E.J. Curse), falls head over heels for what appears to be a thirteen year old girl named Cassie (Jennifer Coe). I had a brief moment of doubt about her prepubescent appearance until Jessie began singing the song he wrote for her, which straight up discusses how young she is, and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Fortunately both him and his band dies, only to later be resurrected by Cassie while she mourns at his grave, grovelling about the fact that his premature death is far more gruelling than what her father had experienced when he had lost her mother.

If this wasn’t fucked up enough, the resurrected band goes up against… yep, (there is no fucking way) you guessed it! Hitler! While I could potentially accept this bizarre antagonist had he been introduced earlier on, Hitler doesn’t show up until the third act and it is entirely out of left field. Fighting alongside him is a duo of little people, naturally as nazi zombies – an odd choice given that I’m not confident that Hitler is even a zombie in this film. Oh, and there is a werewolf woman in a wheelchair that is never really explained, either. Is she a zombie too? Couldn’t tell ya!

All I know is that the zombies are extremely averse to heads, so much so that they’ve taken to effortlessly ripping them off whenever they have the opportunity to do so. This leads to a group of civilians protecting themselves with large cardboard displays of celebrity heads, including both Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley, to ward off the walking dead. Naturally, this does jack shit and they end up getting bonked anyways. While all this whacky shit is happening, some blonde babe in spandex is high kicking and dancing quite literally to the tune of her own drum because there isn’t any fucking music playing. I don’t know who she is, or what the fuck she is even doing there, but this is legitimately the only part of the film I can actually relate to.

Okay, so now that the plot(?) is out of the way, lemme get to the music. Hard Rock Zombies unfortunately falls under the umbrella of ‘hard-rock-horror’ where the music is really quite soft. I like me some dad rock, but when every band member looks like Derek Smalls from This is Spinal Tap (1984), I expect a little bit more tune-wise. Don’t get me wrong, the music isn’t bad – Much to my own disgust, I’ve unfortunately been singing the ballad about the thirteen year old all morning. I’ll admit that I can get behind the demonic chanting over distorted guitars after they become zombies, but that is about it. I guess the effects are not bad?? Maybe?? A zombie eats its own face, which is kinda neat. Not neat enough to save this steaming pile of shit, however.

I don’t really know what else I can say. It is honestly so bizarre that I will recommend it, but don’t expect something on par with Trick or Treat (1986) – Hell, it even makes Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (1987) look like a masterpiece. I just have so many questions. Who made this, and why? Why the thirteen year old girl? Why do so many fans of cult horror love it? And lastly, what the fuck was up with the werewolf bitch in the wheelchair?! I demand answers!