Forgive me for my recent inactivity, I’ve been doing something I’m entirely ashamed of – Wallowing in complete and total misery because of all this COVID-19 bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, it does suck, but after slightly tweaking my perspective I’m feeling a lot more stoked. I mean, I don’t have to go to work. Yeah, I like working, but man… This is like summer break, y’know? Which is something I never thought I’d experience as an adult.
If you’re anything like me, you are probably struggling to find things to fill your day with. Yeah, I went through this which is extra stupid given my extensive collection of physical media. My piss poor attitude changed today when I made the conscious decision to dive full-bore into ‘Summer Breanna’ mode, because why the fuck not? I likely won’t be leaving my house until then anyway, so I’m gonna get that pregame going!
As is the case with anything, the soundtrack is of utmost importance. If y’all aren’t listening to the right shit, you’re not gonna get the full experience and we don’t half-ass anything ’round these parts. I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of the essential albums I flock to as soon as the weather gets warm, and before anyone gets up my ass, I boiled it down to one pick per artist. If y’all wanna binge from a sole distributor, just dive into David Lee Roth’s entire discography and stay there!
ALICE COOPER – CONSTRICTOR (1986)
This was the album that inspired me to piece this thing together, ’cause it is a direct link to the Friday the 13th franchise which is summer incarnate. All ’80s Alice has that party sleaze, but this one taps into that vein especially well. Dig for Hard Rock Summer while you’re at it, too – I don’t know why the hell it wasn’t on the album. Such a deadly track!
W.A.S.P. – W.A.S.P. (1984)
A greater album does not exist. A greater band does not exist. AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
Y&T – CONTAGIOUS (1987)
L.A. Rocks has got me belting out ‘BOYS NIGHT OUT, IN THE CITY!’ every single time I party with my buds despite being a chick. This record kicks total ass from start to finish. Title track has a chorus that will have ya sidebangin’ for DAYS. (That is when y’all rock from side-to-side like the Schenker brothers, ya dig?)
VAN HALEN – 1984 (1984)
All Van Halen is summery, but man… This shit slaps. If y’all aren’t rockin’ the shortest shorts while cranking Drop Dead Legs then I cannot help you. Hot For Teacher and Panama are obvious sells, too, but essential. REACH DOWN BETWEEN MY LEGS… EASE THE SEAT BACK…
JUDAS PRIEST – TURBO (1986)
If you’re one of those ’70s Priest only nerds, y’all can leave. This album fucking rules. Out In The Cold is one of the best songs ever recorded, and Wild Nights, Hot & Crazy Days is the ultimate summer anthem. And don’t even get me STARTED on Hot For Love.
VINNE VINCENT INVASION – ALL SYSTEMS GO (1988)
You’ve got Mark Slaughter at his peak and Vinnie Vincent rippin’ killer solos. Pure sleaze metal, peep Dirty Rhythm and Naughty Naughty for some serious boner fuel. I once went out with a guy solely because he bought me this, is that a form of prostitution?
LION – DANGEROUS ATTRACTION (1987)
Not all metal is horny, but all horny metal is good. That doesn’t make sense, but listen to this shit anyway. Hard and Heavy is a sensual banger, and Never Surrender feels like a ferocious kick in the nuts. I don’t have balls, so this means it is good because I don’t know what that actually feels like.
HURRICANE – TAKE WHAT YOU WANT (1985)
Man, this band fucking rips yet nobody talks about ’em. Straight up, this EP is one of the best hair metal releases of all time. Kelly Hansen’s voice is exactly what I’d imagine being caressed by Burt Reynold’s moustache felt like – VELVETY AND PERFECT.
MÖTLEY CRÜE – THEATRE OF PAIN (1985)
Man, I almost went with Shout at the Devil but the parking lot power behind Louder than Hell and Tonight (We Need A Lover) cannot be fucked with. Shit is impenetrable, and this album rules. Criminally underrated.
MCAULEY SCHENKER GROUP – PERFECT TIMING (1987)
My kinda MSG, baby! The shit Robin McAuley and Michael Schenker put out together is straight up some of the best party metal out there, criminally underrated. Big choruses. Even bigger hair. Gimme your love, ’cause I’ve got no time for losers! Okay, I’ll see myself out now.
GUNS N’ ROSES – APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION (1987)
A no brainer. WHAT’S MY MUTHA-FUCKIN’ NAME? MR. BROWNSTONE!
DANGER DANGER – DANGER DANGER (1989)
Out on the backstreets! I hear a heartbeat! We’re gonna rock America! This is some serious cheeseball hair metal, but it is fucking good and fun as hell. If you’re not down to get Naughty, Naughty, then ya just don’t get it!
BABYLON A.D. – BABYLON A.D. (1989)
A hidden gem and one of my favourite hair metal releases. Any band that uses the word ‘hammer’ as a euphemism for dick is a-okay in my books! A perfect record from start to finish. ALL KILLER, NO FILLER!
KISS – LICK IT UP (1983)
One of the hardest decisions I had to make here. But when I go through her, it’s just like a hot knife, through butter… I mean, title track aside this shit has got (whisper my name) Exciter, Young and Wasted (my anthem), All Hell’s Breakin’ Loose… Yeah.
LIZZY BORDEN – VISUAL LIES (1987)
Lizzy Borden is one of those frequently overlooked bands which is really fucked up ’cause they had an impenetrable discography early on. Visual Lies has one of the best guitar tones I’ve heard, flows perfectly from start to finish. Bathe me in silver paint or get the fuck outta my face, ’cause it’s just me! Against the world!
WHITESNAKE – WHITESNAKE (1987)
The hardest partying album of all time. Bad Boys legitimately makes me wanna run around town lighting shit on fire. Guess y’all could say I’m one of those… Children of the Night…
DOKKEN – BACK FOR THE ATTACK (1987)
The moment I get punched in the face by Kiss of Death, I know I’ve made the right decision. Dokken is the best fucking band out there, and if you disagree I’m sorry for your lack of coolness. Happy to consider myself a Dokken Prisoner… Chained by love! I’ll just keep livin’ this quarantine life night by night… Okay, I’m done.
BLACK SABBATH – BORN AGAIN (1983)
This is a little more evil than the other shit in this list, but something about Hot Line and Disturbing the Priest makes me wanna drink myself into oblivion. Trashed is the obvious party anthem, too, and for all y’all silly bitches that think this album sucks… It is like… Deep Purple and Sabbath fused together… What’s your problem?
WENDY O. WILLIAMS – WOW (1984)
The queen of sleaze, I don’t give a shit what anyone says! DO YOU WANNA BUMP? DO YA WANNA GRIND? DO YOU WANNA BUMP AND GRIND WITH ME? Fucking balls to the wall heavy metal shit, man.
SCORPIONS – SAVAGE AMUSEMENT (1988)
When Passion Rules The Game, Breanna gets alcohol poisoning on her couch while emulating those shimmying babes from the Rhythm of Love video. I only stop to start again.
KING KOBRA – KING KOBRA III (1988)
SATURDAY NIGHT’S THE BEST! Could’ve went with Ready to Strike, but this album is straight up an overlooked gem. Take It Off is one of the sleaziest bangers ever written, and Walls of Silence has one of the most massive choruses of all-time.
RATT – DANCING UNDERCOVER (1986)
Forgive the obvious cliche, but this shit makes me wanna dance. Slip of the Lip has got the fuckin’ groove, and Body Talk is one of the best songs they’ve ever recorded. So quit looking for love, and take a chance on this one. Oh my god, stop me already.
LITA FORD – LITA (1988)
A bleach blonde babe just screams summer to me, so I gotta include somethin’ by my heavy metal mother. Back to the Cave is one of the smoothest, sexiest songs I’ve heard. Follow that shit with Kiss Me Deadly and Falling In and Out of Love? Oh baby!
OZZY OSBOURNE – THE ULTIMATE SIN (1986)
Shot in the Dark teleports me behind the wheel of a corvette driving down the Sunset Strip surrounded by palm trees and babes. Lightning Strikes makes me wanna break things, including myself. One of Ozzy’s best records. All hail Jake E. Lee.
DEF LEPPARD – PYROMANIA (1983)
An essential for any hard partier. Unless you’re cranking Comin’ Under Fire and Stagefright, you’re just a bunch of nerds drinking beverages in close proximity to one another. Fuck, this album rules.
SAXON – DESTINY (1988)
I’ve met a lot of Saxon “fans” that think this record is absolute trash given its poppy overtones, but I wanna tell y’all that it isn’t – It is one of their best, and I know ’cause I have TASTE. For real though, Christopher Cross is a summery dude and the Saxon guys are smart as hell so they covered Ride Like the Wind – The result is fucking beautiful. Throw in Where the Lightning Strikes, Red Alert, and one of the best pseudo-ballads of all time, I Can’t Wait Anymore, and you’ve got yourself an infallible masterpiece, y’all.
EUROPE – THE FINAL COUNTDOWN (1986)
Fuck the title track, throw on Rock the Night, Ninja, and Cherokee then try tellin’ me that this isn’t some of the best shit you’ve ever heard. Horniest vocals. Joey Tempest is a god among men.
KANE ROBERTS – KANE ROBERTS (1987)
You know that album cover with the buff ass Rambo lookin’ dude holding a machine gun guitar that you laugh at every time you hit the dollar bin? Well, jokes on you pal ’cause this shit slaps! TRIPLE X! IT’S ONLY SEX ‘TIL IT CROSSES THE LINE! This entire album is what picking up chicks sounds like. WOMEN ON THE EDGE OF LOVE!
CINDERELLA – NIGHT SONGS (1986)
I NEED A SHOT OF GASOLIIIIIINE! Y’all death metal dorks think you know what you’re talkin’ about when it comes to shitting on hair metal, and you’ve just got no fucking clue. This is a sexy album for sexier people. Keep your combat boots and camo pants away from me!
GREAT WHITE – ONCE BITTEN (1987)
Every time Lady Red Light kicks in, my platinum hair gets 3 shades lighter. Throw on Rock Me and Mistreater on top of that shit, and you’re fucking set! Bust out that Coppertone, bitch!
SKID ROW – SKID ROW (1989)
How a bunch of literal kids put out such a deadly debut is totally beyond me and makes me feel like shit if I think too much about it. Fuck me up with those Big Guns forever.
Well, there ya have it folks. 31 essential party albums. There are about 6669 others I could’ve added, and maybe I will in time… But until then – Stay safe, stay sexy, and most importantly… STAY HUNGRY!
